Now stand you on the top of happy hours

Screened my roommate’s feature film in the home theater last night for some people who worked on it. Scotch whiskey from Ireland was consumed. Grille charred the meats and men were men last night on this perfect Tuesday evening. The notion of making movies again just seems so appealing. I am torn though. I cannot simply just make something anymore. I hold myself accountable to a greater standard than I used to. Both in terms of content and meaning, as well as quality.

Combine that conundrum with the notion that I also do not feel strongly about anything I have to “say” right now and this causes a rift in my soul. I will not make a movie, short or long just to do it. I have to care. A lot. Right now, at this moment in my life, as I drift on a cloud of peace and serenity, there isn’t a lot I have a dire need to saw with a movie.

Now, let’s make this even more convoluted. I am acquiring gear, gear that will allow me to satiate that quality factor. This also adds a layer of guilt because I have to pay for said equipment. If I don’t use the nearly purchased cinema products, my OCD will eat the other parts of my brain alive. Have stuff = must use stuff.

Then there is the element of time. I am doing several shows for a few people, and I need to make a living. And making a living is becoming more and more independent. Which requires more of my time. Time is a commodity that becomes a more rare quantity.

What is a struggling (emotionally) artist to do? I don’t know. All I do know is that as I do more greenscreen, podcast type material, the less that satiates my desire to make a real film. That’s good I guess. If it stops being enough, maybe that will push me harder in the direction of narrative harder.

Feeling so chill and relaxed really is the anathema to creativity for me. And I do not want to be miserable either. Not sure what to do. Not a clue.

“Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me”
– John Mayer