I canít get my head back in it. I have things to do, a long list of projects, and I canít seem to get my brain back into the mode of doing any of it. Iím all alone in this dark place, like Iím locked in a basement with no windows. No, this isnít about Facebook. Thatís just an illusion of connectivity whereas it really just separates people from actual human interaction, the kind we all need to survive.
Started the fixed Closed Captions out to tape, working them in-between the big job. Found out why one episodes got rejected - it had the wrong captions for the wrong episode! That was bad. Not sure how many deaf filmmakers are watching the show, but Iím incredibly sorry about that. Got to get back to finishing some new episodes soon.
And life rolls on. ĎConnectingí with people virtually through a machine via sites like Facebook isnít really connecting as much as a filtered interface where you can pretend to be something you arenít to impress people who are equally creating a facade. Now I donít have a girlfriend or a family or kids to fill my time, so sadly I miss the superficial relationships because they are better than nothing. Or are they?
Hereís a terrible realization. Iím no longer particularly relevant. Less than a week off Facebook and itís as if I donít exist in most peopleís lives, even those I was somewhat a part of for a time. Strangely, this has nothing to do with my sabbatical from the Face, but a revelation that Iíve been coping with for a few years. I used to be notorious, as in the things I did were spoken of by many. Thatís not necessarily a good thing.
I actually LOGGED IN to the post apocalyptic hellscape that is Myspace yesterday. Thatís how bored I am online without Facebook. Thereís nothing there. Itís just an empty soulless place where profiles go to die. I think Myspace needs to be re-classified as ANTI-social media. Even emo goth kids canít find it retro and hang out there. NO ONE is on Myspace. Even spammers have stopped using the site.
Still no Facebook, no cheating. This must be what a ďtimeoutĒ feels like. My parents were of the era when they used to paddle kids for being bad, so I have no clue what the non-violent parenting model feels like. I hate texting, so Iím really not getting communication from the outside world. As long as I can take my 55Ē TV and surround sound, Iím ready to be Amish! Still, I am finding time for other things long put off.
I deleted the link to Facebook from my shortcuts. It was just too easy to accidentally hit it. I mean actually accidental, not Iím pretending itís an accident so I can cheat accident either. I feel like I just locked myself in a closet. Itís terrifying how much Facebook was mistaken for actual human interaction. Iím barely past the 36 hour mark and already I have no idea what is going on in the lives of people I vaguely know that I donít care enough about to use my phone to call.
No Facebook for 30 days. So far so good. I have a routine. Wake up, feed cats, check email,
log in to facebook, check webstats, and read some news. Removing #3 wasnít that big a deal today. Iíve got so much work to do for the paid job that Iím working on a Sunday and on a holiday Monday. The needless distractions that the Facebook offers is less interesting than a DVD on the making of a movie.
Another Closed Captioning Crisis resolved. It didnít take that long, but it was a headache and a half. The solution was to use a standard DV timeline, turning off the Mercury Playback Engine of the NVIDIA card and to roll back the IEEE1394 driver to a pre-64bit legacy driver. It exponentially increased render times from HD to SD, but it worked. The captions via Firewire seem to be incredibly accurate and sharp. FRAMELINES is saved by the dilligent efforts of the Sonnyboo Intern Army and a google search.
So all the work done on the closed captioning over the last year has a major snag. There are Ďdropoutsí, meaning whole sentences that arenít making the cut. Because of broadcast standards and practices, this is unacceptable. Now I have to figure out how to fix it. Whilst working on my semi-annual biggest project that means I have to work 10-12 hour days. Not exactly the greatest distraction I was looking for, but it will suffice for now.
Great literature brings great comfort in times of need. ďDo not be afraid. Our hope cannot be taken from us; It is a giftĒ - or ďto him that is pitiless the deeds of pity are ever strange and beyond comprehensionĒ ring in my head and give illumination in the darkness of this time.
Every year I read J.R.R. Tolkien's Silmarillion. I donít just read it, I totally geek out and go into the BOOK OF LOST TALES, UNFINISHED TALES, and CHILDREN OF HURIN to make it a somewhat complete reading experience. This is both my favorite book of all time, and contains my singular favorite story of all time.
Taking a short break from the big edit job, I finished another podcast episode that was looming. Iíd been chipping away at this for weeks, a little bit each day. Itís still months behind schedule. I got it done and put it out today. I donít have time to market it as I normally would. That takes time and time is not my friend right now. The Adobe After Effects animation was simple enough.
After 2 weeks of solid recovery, my health just took a serious nosedive. Last night I went to the park for the 4 mile walk. It felt great, my stamina was up, my speed increased, and I thought it was an improvement. I get home, and my ankle was a little sore and it spiralled into the most painful attack of gout Iíve had in years. I couldnít sleep and none of my medications put a dent into the pain.
Edited my The Greater Columbus Arts Council (GCAC) and The Columbus Film Council (CFC) Media Arts Fellowship Grant DVD demo. Wow, that was a mouthful. I was a finalist last year, and this is only the 3rd year of these grants. Thereís three $1,500 grants and one $3,500 grants and none of the winners from the past 2 years can submit again yet, so mathematically, my odds have increased.
After the events of this past week and the startling self revelation, I have decided to take 30 days off Facebook. Starting September 1st, 2013, I will go the entire month without visiting or posting on the site. Life before social media seems like a dream. I need to prove to myself that I donít need it. I truly do want to change and be a better man.
I donít want to fight anyone anymore. I am trying so hard to have peace. I can ignore almost any insult from most. My ego destroyed, my sense of self worth diminished. Before that reads too depressing, Iím still somewhat positive. My spirit soars at the idea of hope, no matter how faint or far away.
Making movies is like going to war. There are generals, there are pawns, and equipment help the scope of a production. Iím going to war soon. I plan on fighting many battles, big and small. All of them will result in attrition and victory, love and hate, or history and oblivion. The enemy is yourself and the aforementioned ambition.
IMDB updated with some long overdue FRAMELINES credits. Been meaning to do this for months and months, finally got them entered. It helped me, as my free music makes it seem like I am primarily a Ďcomposerí, even though I am not composing any music for anyoneís movies. The PRODUCER and DIRECTOR credits for FRAMELINES bumps me up proper as a filmmaker again. Not that I was worried, but it is cool to see it corrected. More credits for the new episodes entered as well.
My mood is as indecipherable as an enigma deep fat fried and smothered in secret sauce at the moment. Today will go down as one of the most strange and confusing of my life. I am ecstatic, happy, sad, mourning, pleased, content, unhappy, wallowing, lamenting my age, happy with where I am, missing something, feeling accomplished yet completely dissatisfied with the amount I have finished.