My brother passed away last week. It has been a long, hard ten month ordeal. Sadly, I have been working for at least 3 different jobs most of the time and could not dedicate the time to my brother like I wish I could have. What I am doing now is preparing a simple slideshow with music for the service, something I have done several hundred times. This is different. The still images include myself, my family and focus on my brother. Itís an emotional torture to fixate on key frames and dissolve times when it rips my heart apart to stare at the screen.
I have lost many people in my lifetime already. From friends, to lovers, to family, it all blends together. Iím terrified I am becoming numb to feeling much of anything anymore. I donít know how to feel about any of this.
Got back to the gym again. Swam a lot of laps, just getting my mind right and helping the body find some kind of center. Now I have to recalibrate my thought process into getting back to work. I still have so much to do for me. I never seem to have enough time to get the work I want to do complete, nor can I entirely relax. Itís like a perpetual loop of mild dissatisfaction on all fronts, while also feeling content in general. My health is better, my money concerns are allayed, my social life has gotten better, and overall I have no real complaints. Still, I am not getting my creative side sated so a tiny dissonance exists.
All of this is elementary and surmountable. Time heals all wounds eventually.
ĒItís time to be a man and leave Iíll leave your safe grounds To find some distance I am a light so Light my high Well I'll become a higher me
Oh I don't know where I am But it feels like home And I move myself away When it don't feel like home Well now I love myself again And it feels like homeĒ - The Him