Time marches on. The mighty crossroads before me doesn’t actually reveal which path I am to take. I keep getting closer and closer, yet one way is not more obvious than the other. This becomes a much bigger question. Who am I? Who do I want to become? Lately, big questions permeate every breath, every moment.
I have not had that rarest of commodoties, the one money cannot buy which is time. Sadly, the necessity of money is why I have not the time to focus as I would like. There has been no art, no pleasure in the arts, and little other than the menial daily tasks.
Even those tedious things are not as well accomplished as I would prefer. I want to clean and rearrange my edit suite at home. I also want to clean my bedroom thoroughly, an additional sign of the apocalypse (or maturity, which can also be construed as such). Tomorrow, I will endeavor to just hunker down and do a list of things I need for domesticity sake.
There is still two projects I want to get done in the now fleeting 2016. It seems unlikely these will get done in time. I’m not sad or even very frustrated. Mayhap, I have matured and do not succumb so easily to anger or impulse. Or perhaps I have lost some of the fire that burns inside. Or I am numbing to life as a whole. Am I? I have had many emotions of late. Losing my brother brought an onslaught of feelings, both new and old. I am so afraid I am losing my ability to feel anything too deeply has me worried about my own mental and emotional health.
And then I am overcome with a calm, a sense of serenity. I know not the source. I am unconcerned with unraveling this peace I feel inside. I just swim in the sweet waters of contentment without judgement.
I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I should be doing.
”White page, an empty field of snow My room is twenty-five below This cold man chasing ghosts A road lies underneath a buried boat Dogs search the under forest We scour the empty streets The fact remains until we find you Our lives are incomplete” - Sting