So my health is improving. Tea Tree Oil has succeeded where most traditional medicine has failed. I’m not out of the woods just yet, as the infection is still spreading to new places, just not as violently as it was.
I am facing this medical dilemma alone. After a decade spent with someone, we parted ways. I was already in a state of depression, but after having my health being in a lower priority than a Mid Ohio Filmmakers Meeting or a cookout it was probably for the best. Even then, when I went to the emergency room for a surgical procedure, to have my life valued less than a game of Monopoly really takes a toll on someone’s sense of self worth. I will never pretend that being in a relationship with me would have been the smoothest ride, but I don’t see what I did to warrant being treated like a rapist or wife beater.
Regardless, this has sunk me lower into depression. My desire to create movies has plummeted. I don’t like this feeling.
In my last blog I was describing a time 5 years ago, where I was at a low point (that seems strangely a much higher plateau than now). The misinterpretation is that I blamed everyone else for that place. No, idiots – it was all MY fault. I did not take charge of my own destiny. I did not command the respect I deserved. I wallowed and failed to do what needed to be done – fire the people who weren’t doing what the piece deserved. To grow a pair of balls and do what was necessary. The same was true of my time making my first feature HORRORS OF WAR. I did not have the wherewithal to stand up for what I wanted as a director.
I can stand up now and do the hard parts of the job. The problem is I don’t have a job in front of me at the moment that compels me to work. There are a series of projects, but none jump out at me. I have big projects and little ones. Nothing. Nada. Not a single one feels like a story I NEED to tell at the moment.
Another problem is that I have set the bar so high for my own quality that anything I do will require more of my time, my soul, my energy, and my effort than what I have done before. This is not a bad thing per se, but it makes everything so much more daunting. I will not make something that is mediocre or sucks (in my own opinion). It isn’t worth doing if I am not improving myself. I have to be able to look at my own work with a critical eye.
What is the motivation I am missing? I am not spurred on by competition, so the 48 Hour Film Projects don’t do anything for me. Competition bores me. Comparing two works of art and trying to turn it into sport seems like an exercise in futility.
This feeling makes a parallel to writer’s block. I have little trouble with the writing part these days, it’s the climbing of the mountain that makes it harder. Making a commitment to a work is sacred to me. I’m committing myself to this work of art forever. I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life. I have made things that suck and as much as I want to pretend they don’t exist, they do and I know it.
Now I enter a strange new phase in my life and career. Facing it alone doesn’t scare me. It makes me sad that some people simply aren’t patient enough to wade through the crap to get to the good parts. They tend to be worth it. I know I’ve nearly drowned in the bullshit of others and sadly that was all I got sometimes.
And other times I got the gold.