Good lord have I been catching up on sleep lately. Just deep, intense dreams, snoring cat next to my head, and a blissful feeling of relief when I wake up. Great times continue to roll in. Rossland kicks ass kinds of ass, big ass, little ass – all kinds of ass. As the year wraps up, time to contemplate life a bit. For the last few months, my head and my heart have been healing soundly. Realizations permeate my thoughts. Regrets, to be sure. Stunning revelations as well.
One of the biggest revelations I have face was doing things for someone, being what I considered to be generous, and made to feel quite inadequate. Like I wasn’t doing enough or that it wasn’t really beneficial to others. I then stopped doing things for people. It felt so unnatural weirdly. The last six months have been all about helping others while also taking care of myself, a balance if you will. If karma exists, I believe in it because all things turned around for me.
The revelation itself was realizing that what I did before wasn’t wrong. Sure, money was wasted, enough to pay off my car or put almost 20% down on the house, but that was my choice and what I did was for selfless reasons, even if the other people never appreciated it. That’s not the reason to try to be good. Because it makes me a freakin’ awesome person, that’s why I did it.
I’m starting to realise when I have this balance in life between doing for others and doing for myself equally is a nice place to live in. It feels amazing.
I love with all my heart somethings. Like my cats. I love them more than life itself, much to the chagrin of many online. Why would I change that? I live for something that means a lot to me. Being mocked doesn’t really affect me.
This is a time of peace in my life. Even when someone unintentionally loses me hundreds of dollars when I need it; don’t sweat it. Things will come back around. When I have a place to sleep every night, and a fabulous place at that, how bad can life be?
“Tiredness fuels empty thoughts
I find myself disposed
Brightness fills empty space
In search of inspiration
Harder now with higher speed
Washing in on top of me”
– Damien Rice