There are some upsides to my world right now. I am eating much better. I cook a lot at home. I’m still walking between 1-4 miles 7 days a week at either Sharon Woods or High Banks Parks. I’ve lost over 30 pounds since June, although I am still very overweight. I have been more dutiful about cleaning my house, and slowly doing repairs. I’ve been reading exponentially more. Being all alone is not entirely bad. I guess 10 years ago I didn’t have quite the same point of reference to compare it to. Several people have tried to tell me to just “get over it“. This is especially amusing from people under 25 years old because in some cases, the people doling out this advice (or criticism of how I am dealing with my break up) weren’t even 12 years old when I started living with my ex. Or worse yet, people who haven’t had a relationship make it past the 12 month mark ever in their life. How can they understand what I am feeling?
When someone occupies 25% of your entire lifetime leaves your day to day life, I’ll expect them to be over it inside of a few weeks too. Like if your father or child dies, I’m hoping to go to them and give the same advice of just, “get over it” or “move on already“.
All I can do is take this one day at a time. I’m just going through the generic routines of day to day life. I’ll make a confession here, that I don’t know why I will. I’ve started therapy, but I hate it. It makes me feel even worse. You know what it is? It’s no different than having to pay a hooker to have sex with you. It’s like I didn’t have enough real friends to listen to me, so I have gotten so pathetic that I’m paying someone to listen to me talk. I hate this more than anything else and it is NOT helping me in the slightest. I think therapy drives me further into depression.
The only thing that I can do is tough this out, take the time I need, and do what I think is best. My sense of self worth is pretty low. Although I do not really rate myself based on how other people see me, it’s impossible not to let your significant other of over 10 years not tear you down by leaving you whilst lying on a hospital bed bleeding while she plays a game of Monopoly. I defy anyone to NOT to have their ego bludgeoned by that one.
It’s not about her anymore. That part of my life is over and I am thankful. I’m just picking up the pieces. I’m trying to rediscover who I am and why I should care about me. Without the ability to make a movie, or to tell stories, I just don’t see much value in me or my life. I have stories to tell, but this depression is like a road block.
Whilst I honestly do appreciate all the emails and calls of support because of this series of blogs, it cannot help me. It does mean alot to me, but that’s not why I’m writing. I’m not looking for sympathy, empathy, or even attention. Writing how I feel seems to make the hurt a little less. It doesn’t break through the roadblock, but it makes me feel a little something.
I prefer to deal with this stuff straight on. I’m coping with loneliness, alone and as directly as I can. I am not self destructive, as I still go to work. I pay my bills on time. I feed my cats. I feed myself. I’m physically getting much better. I’m also not toxic because I am not stopping anyone else from achieving their goals, nor being negative about what anyone else is doing.
All in all, I’m not in the worst place I’ve ever been in my life. Now on to record another audio podcast!