Tomorrow begins the gym membership. Indoor pool, indoor walking track, and free weights. I might start taking this health thing into serious territory, which is foreign to my body. In many ways I think having a clear head & working body all culminate into making me more productive as a filmmaker. Maybe it all really does tie together. It goes against my internal logic because when I was at my most productive, I was not the most healthy. In fact most of my severe health issues began because of the intensity of the workload and obsessions with the work. I am older now and less likely to survive that mode of filmmaking. I want to stay relaxed as best I can. I’m pretty laid back in many ways, but not all. I’m finding I am not taking some things too seriously, like when little Lorenzo just ruined the tile in the kitchen with brown paint on his legs and paws and now I’ll have to replace the entire floor. Instead of being uptight, I just laugh and laugh.
There have been some real changes in other areas for me. I’m making a concerted effort to be more attentive to other people, especially in simple conversation. It’s not that I wait to talk or anything like that. I’ve always just thought if people have something to say, they’d say it as opposed to feeling that I have to ask them before they talk on their own. Now, I try to directly ask about their work or kids or whatever it is to get them started so I can listen. I’ve always listened, but my mouth can sometimes just go on and on and on until the oxygen sucks out of the conversation.
The dichotomy of my situation resides in the fact that I am both lonely but don’t really want to talk to people. There is a degree of self loathing but also a need on my part to deal with loneliness head on. I try to fix problems straight away. I want to see if I can handle being alone as if no one could, should, or would be here with me. I have people I could call upon, bend their ear as it were (and some that have expressed clearly that they won’t), and I want to choose to try to do this on my own a bit. I’ve had moments where I had to talk to someone and I did. I really got less than nothing from therapy, so I’d rather do this on my own. I get far more from this blog than losing hundreds of dollars to talk to a stranger that offers nothing.
I am very direct. What has gotten me into the most trouble is a lack of filter or sensitivity to other people’s feelings when I express myself. I hold in high regard as a person T.J. Cooley because one first meeting me in person he was incredibly honest without any hesitation to tell me why he hated several of my movies, if not all of them at that point. I took none of it personally, as it wasn’t personal; it was criticism and opinions about a MOVIE, not me as a person. I wish more people would take that approach with me. It garners far more respect that way.