Not too long ago I had what I would consider a kind of spiritual experience. I felt as though something or someone was trying to tell me something and it wasn’t the kind of rational, corporeal experience I normally have. I don’t drink, nor do I do drugs (which is such a vanilla term ‘do drugs’, because you snort cocaine, shoot heroin, smoke weed, etc. none of them do you ‘do’), so this wasn’t something from a chemical/biological source. I don’t know what it was. I had been pushed to believe in this kind of thing for over 10 years. I resisted because I’ve become a skeptic, a real world kind of guy. In my weakened emotional state, I was more open to this kind of experience.
It was like a voice inside not using direct words per se, but trying to point me on a path, on a direction to follow. Since I had nothing to lose, I did. I attempted to make amends. I defied all logic and reason, the foundations of everything my life has lead me to believe in. I was to try and make things work, to surrender a big part of who and what I am for someone else.
In the end, this was a terrible tragedy. I humbled myself, made a fool out of myself, and now writhe in the pain of wondering why in the hell I should have ever believed in this.
So far, no upside. Nothing good has come from listening to a spirit guide. What a crock of shit, and if you have decent crockery, then you know you aren’t supposed to put shit in it.
I’m not an atheist, nor am I agnostic. I believe in God, and Jesus too. I just don’t personalize the experience as if these benevolent, oft times malevolent beings are all that interested in my day to day decisions, as it’s more about the sum total of what you do and who you are that matters.
I’m in the Joseph Campbell philosophy that God is incomprehensible and is everything we don’t understand. I don’t see God actively getting involved in my daily life like a screenwriter of a soap opera. It would also negate the entire concept of free will, which supposedly is the whole point of our existence, depending on your religious beliefs. I don’t hold well with complete contradictions.
I’m clinging to something in this life, I just don’t know what it is right now. Hope that I can get my mojo back? Faith that someone might be fool enough to care about me? I don’t know. I just have this lingering desire to keep moving forward, no matter how slow it is.
Maybe it’s the fact that even though my rational brain is still in charge, I wish there wasn’t this faint sound of wanting to find out where my spirit guide would take me next.