A week long vacation really isn’t much time, but it sure does feel great. It makes the work you have to face seem a little less daunting or boring. You start to miss the patterns of your semi-daily life. My patterns have been reconfiguring a lot over the last few months. I need to get into this head space where I can create something I care about again. I read a lot, but not as much as I’d hoped. I didn’t write nary a word for my book, which is okay because I’ve decided on a strict 2-3 pages a day regimen as most real writers do, but I’m not really a very good writer.
Actually what I did most was stare out at the water and think, or not think as it were. Is that technically meditation? A huge part of me is trying to reconcile the past decade of my life. I’m burdened with a sense that I have wasted so much time of my life now. What I don’t want to is view it as being ‘too late‘, which is more instinctual than it is cognitive. My brain knows there is no such thing as too late, but this other sense kicks in and just feels stuff.
That seems to be the core of my troubles of late. My brain knows better but emotions run roughshod over the intellect. Every ounce of grey matter in my skull should know that I am better off without her and that she doesn’t just have issues, but in fact the entire subscription to Selfish Girlfriend Daily and Unhealthy Relationship Monthly (only $1,995.95 a year!). But the heart apparently works independently of the brain.
I cannot stop my heart from feeling sorry for her and generally caring about her well being; sadly the inverse is incredibly unlikely. My brain wants to scold my heart for being so completely idiotic and caring about someone who demonstrated quite clearly that I am worth about as much as gum on the bottom of a shoe to her.
I think the only thing left to me is distraction. For whatever reason, housework has filled a great void. I’m painting cabinet doors after using my brand new drill to remove them. Is leaving your comfort zone always a good thing? I’ve never been handy with tools or anything remotely home repairish.
Hopefully, with these next few months I can get into some projects that help ignite my passions again. I think it will. Whenever I get back in the saddle, it feels beyond comfortable; it feels right. Like I’m doing what I was put here to do.