Hope lives on the horizon. Sometimes you get a sign and for me that came from a filmmaker meeting and I told someone the storyline of ACCIDENTAL ART. It was like I was breathing for the first time in a few years, as if sunshine came out and hit me in the face with their glorious rays. My original intent was to do a short film or two first to ‘warm up’ kind of like the scrimmage before the big game, but screw it. Time to get back in the saddle again. Come hell or highwater, I need to get back into that place where I am doing what I love. My salvation lies not with a woman or some deity, but with doing what I was made to do; tell stories. I’ve known this the whole time, but invisible roadblocks kept me from proceeding. There is no denying that I need help, as filmmaking is the most collaborative art form, and help I will need.
Now back to the real drama that everyone came here to read, I think being analytical, I am backsliding a bit, which appears to be normal. There will be whole weeks where I am not concerned with my ex. Then there will be times when my mind naturally wonders towards her, whether its from happenstance or sentimentality, the cause is irrelevant.
What is most odd to me is that I was with her for 10 long years. It isn’t easy for me to just “let it go”, or not let it affect me. She was an enormous part of my life for 10 out of 40 years, so that’s over 25% of existence in this world. What I guess makes my having left her okay is that it took her less than a week to get over the end of the relationship. That shows how much I meant to her, and yes that is a giant blow to my ego. Not to mention excruciating to my heart.
I just wish I didn’t love someone I hate so much.