Here’s a terrible realization. I’m no longer particularly relevant. Less than a week off Facebook and it’s as if I don’t exist in most people’s lives, even those I was somewhat a part of for a time. Strangely, this has nothing to do with my sabbatical from the Face, but a revelation that I’ve been coping with for a few years. I used to be notorious, as in the things I did were spoken of by many. That’s not necessarily a good thing. As I have stated in blogs past, I did things and said things online. Not a lot of it was positive. It brought the aforementioned notoriety. There were perks, but the downsides were pretty steep too. After it was pointed out to me by my significant other at the time, the downsides affected people other than me too. I sought to change that.
I’ve made a concerted effort to be better as a person, to not do what it was that caused the problems. I had to start by not doing any of those things online anymore. I stopped attending social functions, as I did not want to put my foot in my mouth. I wanted to curb my worst tendencies.
The first cost was my social standing diminished. My name meant less to other people. My movies were no longer being seen by as many. I lost the ability to get more done. Less people were interested in working with me. I was prepared for these repercussions and I accepted them.
The second cost was the most unexpected. I was told, not that long ago, that she missed the stories, the epic adventures of the drama unfolding throughout the day. Even the social aspects, even with downsides were missed because at least it wasn’t boring.
But I can’t go back to what I was. Once I know it is wrong, it remains wrong. I do not crave to be the prom queen of my film community. This holds no interest to me anymore. So I’m stuck in this netherworld, in between two destinations.
Yes, that is a dissonant place to live. It’s my lot in life for now. I cannot unring the bells of what I have done, anymore than I can change the direction of my moral compass. I can only do what I know is right. A path is set before me. I just keep taking steps forward, even if I keep looking over my shoulder at the past.
“Each morning I get up I die a little, can barely stand on my feet, take a look in the mirror and cry, lord, what you’re doing to me, I have spent all my years in believing you, but I just can’t get no relief!”