I am struggling mightily with this concept known as “jealousy“. I do not understand it. It is not something I have experienced. I know envy, in the not detrimental “Oh, I wish I had that or could do that” way. I do not get it. Where does animosity and anger come into play? What connects someone else’s success or failures to my own? Why does something I am doing evoke any kind of emotion in someone else? These things perplex me. I am a filmmaker (not necessarily a good one). I try to convey the human aspects of the human condition to other people in a relatable way. I have no relation to jealousy. My fascination with the concept contributes to my problems with stalkers. They have an overabundance of jealousy and since I cannot understand it, I tend to mock it. Making fun of mentally unstable, clearly obsessed people with giant egos never goes well.
There is an inherent contradiction in being viewed as successful and then being torn down as being terrible. To have people simultaneously say that I suck, but because I am a minor celebrity that I have to take the criticism; I don’t understand. I do not view myself as any kind of celebrity. It’s a word thrown at me by people trying to help me comprehend the attitudes formed about me.
I’m a crazy cat guy who spends most of his time on the Internet in pajamas or watching TV whenever I’m not working. I don’t have a lot of close friends. I don’t go out a lot. The last few dates I’ve had have been disasters of my own making. I’m not poor, but I make a lot less money than most. I’m just a guy making little movies and posting them on YouTube. There’s no part of my life that feels like fame or even infamy.
I have little to no respect for people who criticism behind your back but either say nothing or the opposite to your face. I don’t get angry about it, as everyone can have an opinion of art. I simply don’t take them seriously or hold them in any high regard as a person. This also explains why I have so few friends, as this apparently is more common than not in people.
Continuing to just make my home a happy place, a sanctuary. I like to work at home more stress free. My health wavers like a flag in the wind. My motivation remains high. Plans and ideas ferment whilst I await free time. In about a month, a mammoth amount of shooting will be planned and executed.
My fascination with jealousy will continue as what I am doing will only triple in awareness and cause these inexplicable (to me) reactions.
“you’ve been coming through, going to build that power, I’ve been feeding the rhythm”
– Peter Gabriel