Trying to edit yesterday posed an interesting problem. It’s hard to stay focused on the job when you’re bleeding so much your jeans get a red stain. Thinking about in and out points gets pushed out of your brain as you worry about running out of bandages, which I did and had to go home to edit, which lead to an impromptu nap session after washing out a wound, disinfecting it and re-wrapping it. I was light headed and fell on my stairs, so I decided a little sleep was in order. My life kinda sucks right now, but I’m rediscovering my sense of humor. The greatest challenge I face today remains dealing with the fact that I am not all that relevant, not as a filmmaker, not as a person. There was a time when I was notorious, I was very visible in the social circles. I do not miss that, or at least I do not miss the cost of that. I don’t want to be known for online antics or opinions; all that matters is the work. Less people see the work without the obtuse behavior. I will not go back to what I did before.
Three or four things hit all at once to remind me that I’m not too important to other people. As much as I accept the way I don’t mean anything to anyone else, my struggle is finding meaning on my own, to myself. I do not define myself by the reflection others see of me. What am I living for? What really matters to me?
Even when I cannot put my finger on an easily definable answer, I still get up and move forward. Recalcitrant abstractions hold me up. The brain still works. Some days all I need is a single reason, just the one thing to say it was worth being alive that day. I haven’t had one where I couldn’t find something, even if it was an indefinable almost spiritual premonition.
If only fighting procrastination in the work was as easy as remembering to breathe. After working or teaching, the last thing I feel like doing is more work.
Some days I do it anyways and others I don’t. I’m still outputting a lot of work so far in 2013. Tack on FRAMELINES and this is the single most productive year I’ve ever had in terms of movie content. Yet it feels like I’ve gotten so little accomplished. The list of unmade works grows or still remains in the majority.
There’s some reason I’m still here, still doing what it is I do. As murky as the horizon can be, the sun is still out there somewhere.
“World turns black and white, Pictures in an empty room, Your love starts falling down, Better change your tune, Reach for the golden ring, Reach for the sky “
― Van Halen