I feel like hell. I’m worn down, tired, and sick. Bleeding from a few places, but overall, still okay attitude-wise. I’m countering the crippling depression and loneliness with completing various projects and the euphoria that comes with that. Kinda balances out, especially since I’m sleeping a little better. Lorenzo still wakes me up early. Mornings have always been a terrible thing. I hate mornings. Sunlight and the hours before 11:00AM are not meant for human beings. I’m a night owl. Much like my nocturnal feline roommates, I’m more alert between 10:00PM and 2:00AM than any other time of day.
Weirdly, I’m struggling to find something to say right now. The blog notwithstanding, I need whatever movie I make to have some merit, some statement I want to make about the human condition. Aside from these simple educational videos on the basics of filmmaking, I’m drawing something of a blank at the moment. I have more questions than answers. I’d be lucky if my statements weren’t the meaningless gibberish of a mental defective. Which is entirely possible.
I’ve spent the last few days in a near vegetative state. Only last night did I start to clean, which was on the agenda since Friday. I failed epically in finishing. Litter boxes changed, but no dishes done. Sweeping the floor, but not vacuums on carpets.
I edited one tech tip (see below), but nothing else. No revised reel, no roundtables, no cable shows outlined, nada.
I’m on the verge of writer’s block again but I don’t want to let myself slip into the hole. Metaphorically I’m circling the drain like the bug in my sink the other day. Only I think I can claw my way out of it.
I don’t know why I believe this, but I do. Maybe it’s the baby steps I’ve made in other areas. I’m managing to stay out of the fray, no matter how much someone tries to drag me into their drama. Maybe it’s the love I feel from some unknown corner of the universe, someone or something loves me, not just my cats. I don’t know. I have to acknowledge that there are plenty of things I don’t know.
“There she goes again pulsing through my veins, And I just can’t contain this feeling that remains”