Efficacy

After 2 weeks of solid recovery, my health just took a serious nosedive. Last night I went to the park for the 4 mile walk. It felt great, my stamina was up, my speed increased, and I thought it was an improvement. I get home, and my ankle was a little sore and it spiralled into the most painful attack of gout I’ve had in years. I couldn’t sleep and none of my medications put a dent into the pain. Combine that with the never ending MRSA outbreaks and your faithful narrator is a hot mess. I can’t walk, I’m bleeding all over, and sleep eludes me. And all this whilst I am supposed to work on the biggest project of the year for work. When one thing fails, the rest goes with it, like a cog in a machine.

So many plans derailed by my body. I got caught up on my stories. Watched Dexter, Newsroom, and Breaking Bad. I do believe the best stories and cinema are on television these days. Most movies in the theater are too much about an unrealistic spectacle which has no heart. TV gets under your skin and makes you care, and for longer periods of time. It’s a much larger emotional investment than a movie.

It’s so hard to keep my vows. I can feel my mind wander to nasty places, wanting to lay blame where it may or may not belong. What I have to hold on to, what I have to do, is stay true to promise to myself – Be a Better Man.

That means pushing past my frustrations. It means continuing to try to make amends, to find peace. If that means chiseling forever at an impossible wall, I will. I must. It may be a modern interpretation of Sisyphus, but mayhap that be my lot in life. I cannot stop doing what is right. I ask again, how can harboring ill feelings possibly be good?

My goal remains to make peace with the past. I cannot change what was said and done. I accept the present and the future, although I want to bring some serenity to the idea of what was once good and cherished. It isn’t easy dealing with resistance to such a noble endeavor.

To be continued.

“I’m just around the corner, If you got a minute to spare, I’ll be waitin’ for you, If you ever wanna be there”
– Fleetwood Mac