Today is my birthday. 42 years old. I don’t have any idea how I feel about that. I am not spending a lot of time thinking about rotations around the Earth and place no particular significance on the arbitrary marking of time. For reasons that elude any kind of rational thought, I have been in such a positive mood the last few weeks and it only seems to be increasing. What is odd to notate is that this is in the face of many personal hurdles, much turmoil that prevents me from doing the shoots I so desperately want to return to, and yet the jubilation continues. So many things are going bad wrong in my world. My professional life is stalled. The film/video projects I do for myself equally are not getting any closer to finished. I gave up the two little kittens that brought me so much joy and entertainment (along with pain and suffering as they destroyed my home). I am not dating anytime soon. My health wavers from EH to OUCH to UH, GO TO THE E.R. My life appears to be on the overcrowded on ramp to nowhere.
Aside from two incredibly spoiled cats, I have no idea what the hell I’m living for. And even more of a mystery, why in the hell I’m so happy right now. Aside from occasional insomnia caused by Breaking Bad Blu Rays (the episodes are uncensored and sometimes extended!), I’m sleeping well at night. I’m getting caught up on projects in my film queue albeit slowly.
I’m finding solace in my time alone, in writing (even blogs like this), in editing my material, or animating some graphic. Mayhap the euphoria resides in some oxygen deprivation caused by my ego blocking my nasal passages. I don’t know. I shouldn’t even question it. Just ride out the happy as it comes.
Music sounds better right now. I can listen to the same 3 songs for 2 hours, allowing the sounds to wash over me. If I finish an edit, then it’s something particularly funky, and then I terrorize one or both of my cats as I force them to dance to the P-Funk. I read a book in bed, with the aforementioned cats laying about. Or I watch movies at the Magnificent Home Theatre of New Rossdonia, aka the MHToNR, which is like Thor’s hammer, except cooler because it can play Thor and soon Thor 2 on Blu Ray.
I couldn’t possibly be less relevant to the world at large, or even to most people I know, and yet I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin. Even when faced with actual lies said about me, I’m starting to not care, even when it’s from someone I trust. In the end, it doesn’t affect the happiness I’ve carved out in the world.
If I never see another birthday, I’ll know I was happy on this one, and no one can take that away from me. Well, except a municipal court judge or a mortgage broker, but so far, so good.
“I walk away from you for the first time strong and I did my best to see it through. Now I’m watching you just thinking I’m wrong. But I only wanted you to know that I never wanted you to go. I know I was everything you’re not supposed to be to someone that you love”
– Melanie Laurant