My brother passed away last week. It has been a long, hard ten month ordeal. Sadly, I have been working for at least 3 different jobs most of the time and could not dedicate the time to my brother like I wish I could have. What I am doing now is preparing a simple slideshow with music for the service, something I have done several hundred times. This is different. The still images include myself, my family and focus on my brother. It’s an emotional torture to fixate on key frames and dissolve times when it rips my heart apart to stare at the screen. 
I have lost many people in my lifetime already. From friends, to lovers, to family, it all blends together. I’m terrified I am becoming numb to feeling much of anything anymore. I don’t know how to feel about any of this.
Got back to the gym again. Swam a lot of laps, just getting my mind right and helping the body find some kind of center. Now I have to recalibrate my thought process into getting back to work. I still have so much to do for me. I never seem to have enough time to get the work I want to do complete, nor can I entirely relax. It’s like a perpetual loop of mild dissatisfaction on all fronts, while also feeling content in general. My health is better, my money concerns are allayed, my social life has gotten better, and overall I have no real complaints. Still, I am not getting my creative side sated so a tiny dissonance exists.
All of this is elementary and surmountable. Time heals all wounds eventually.
“It’s time to be a man and leave
I’ll leave your safe grounds
To find some distance
I am a light so
Light my high
Well I’ll become a higher me
Oh I don’t know where I am
But it feels like home
And I move myself away
When it don’t feel like home
Well now I love myself again
And it feels like home”
– The Him
0 Comments