I have been letting my dreams affect me a lot lately. Analyzing what the riddles mean, acting on alleged information I glean from feelings. Last weekend I had a truly disturbing dream, one that has haunted my waking life. I can’t get it out of my head, no matter what I do. I think I know now what it means, and soon I will have to have a hard talk with a good friend. Even though statisically, I shouldn’t be too worried about my health and the upcoming procedure; I do have concerns. I don’t think I’m too worried about dying, both because it isn’t likely, but I’ve also come to terms with my life at this point.
I’ve spent a great deal of my time just thinking on my life as a whole. Who I was, who I am, and who I may or may not get to be; and I am completely serene in the idea that if I died today, or tomorrow or 30 years from now that I have become something more like the man I wanted to become. I still struggle and fail every single day, climbing up the ladder to be a better man has been the most defining part of the last year of my life.
I believe wholeheartedly in karma. There is no empirical data to support this irrational and unscientific belief. My faith in karma derives itself from the kind of place I rarely like to go. Anecdotal and almost ludicrous events make me believe in the deepest recesses of my soul. I’m not wise enough to know if my death would be a payment to karma for the sins of my past. It isn’t up to me, is it?
I’m being so melodramatic. Everything happening with my health is so routine and it seems early enough to not even have concern. I just have a premonition. It’s tied to my nightmares.
Whenever I close my eyes, I see this tether, like a rope. I’m tied to something in this world and the next. All I want to do is sever this bond. I pull on it, tug on it, try as hard as I might, I cannot. I’m being dragged, drowned, and strangled by this thing that I cannot cut. I’m suffocating. All I want is to be free of this cord and get away from all the things that it pulls me towards.
When I am awake, I am trying to focus on all that is good. I can’t NOT work because all these feelings don’t stop the earth from turning, bills that need paid, and life needs to keep on living. Life will go on, with or without me.
I vote for with me. I want to keep on living. Sure, at this moment my life isn’t exactly the most exciting thing, but if I’ve learned anything at all in 4 decades on the planet is that these things always come in waves. You don’t get the good without the bad, the highs without the lows. Sooner or later, you pay for one with the other.
Hope. The thread that ties me to that when I am awake is very thin, but it’s all I have. That cord I don’t want to sever. Hope that things will go on. Hope that life will turn around. Hope that love isn’t a delusion sold by Hallmark. Hope that I’m not as wrong about humanity as I often think. Hope that one day I will be the man worthy of the life I have already been given.
I’m spewing these stupid ideas out into the world all because a spider bit me. Someone once said that in comic books when a spider bites someone it reveals super powers. In real life they reveal an asshole. Maybe he was more right than I ever thought. I’m being silly and pretentious. This is so low risk and not such a big deal. I’m overreacting and making a fool of myself publicly. Not that this would be the first time I ever did that….