Now I don’t know what I’m feeling. Not quite numb, not depressed, but not excited. I worked on the house today. Painted a door, decorated a bit, cleaned a lot. I also sat on the new leather couch and pet the cats for over an hour. Trying to cut down on my Internet time really is like weening a crackhead off of meth or, you know… crack. I did my 2 mile walk at 6:30PM and it was already dark out. No one was at the park. It was eerie walking the path knowing that there were no cars anywhere in any of the parking lots I passed on the way in. Regardless, my legs pushed through and I felt energized afterwards. I need to keep on the exercise and losing weight.
I cooked last night and tonight. It’s incredibly hard to cook for a single person. Portions are hard to get right for one. Another barrier is knowing it’s better to throw away food than overeat. That’s a tough pattern to crack, but I’m getting over it quicker.
I don’t understand why being alone is so hard for me. My previous relationship was so miserable. I think I felt more unloved with her than I do alone. I find it frustrating that things are so complicated.
I have changed. A lot actually. Many of my worst habits transformed into practical, helpful ones. Cutting down internet, cleaning a lot, doing laundry 5 times more than I did, having a walk-in closet has helped a lot to never leave clothes on the floor (as well as the terror of Lorenzo the kitten urinate on any clothes piled on the floor is equal motivation), and doing dishes very regularly.
It depresses me a little to be a grown up. I’ve had so much pride in my immaturity that maybe I lost sight of some of the benefits to adulthood. Ending that horrendous relationship had another good outcome. We helped keep each other in a constant state of irresponsibility that was unhealthy.
No time to weep for the past. Must work. Keep eye on the prize. Do more. Eat less. Make Accidental Art.