From most people, my cynicism would decry inspirational messages as nothing but platitudes, but getting to know you a little better, and that it is finely written, means I appreciate it and respect the words. I’m trying, really trying. I’m less numb than I was. Happiness and pleasure still elude me beyond a few fleeting moments here and there, but then again this has been true for over 2 years, with or without my ex. My boys bring me true unadulterated joy. I know they alleviate so much frustration in my world. It all melts away with a pet and a purr.
My revelations as they are remain in the simple truths that eluded me. Cleaning, painting, and not being bogged down with the day to day rituals, perhaps even revelling some in tiny moments. I’m still not ready for big social outings per se. I’m certainly not enjoying dating at all, as I am not in much of a position to like myself yet.
Every day brings new strength, small though it may be. At the same time, each week and month destroys a little bit of hope inside. My heart still learns what the brain has known for a long time. For whatever reason, I still look at the door, waiting for something I don’t know or understand. It’s that spirit guide, the intangible irrational voice that whispers (and I believe now lies) to me. For a very long time I’ve let my intellect guide me. I want that other voice silenced because I need it to so I can grow and move on.