Still not 100% yet. The flu affects my energy level. I am more conscious than before. I can pay attention longer. Still can’t move around as much and a shoot day sounds like it might kill me. Perhaps a greenscreen shoot; that doesn’t sound too terrible on my system. Possibly even the long over due Uncle Pete’s Play Time sequels. Holidays mean so little to me right now. Both because of the numbness of being ill, but also just a general malaise where family or forced happiness are involved. I’m not exactly a grinch, as I don’t begrudge anyone else’s fondness for the time of year. It makes me a little less sad to know that other people get something from this yuletide momentum.
I’m not depressed. I’m not anything right now. I survived a week of catatonic illness and isolation without slipping into a depressed state. Forgive me if I am not overjoyed at snow or warped religious ceremonies or outdated concepts of generosity. I like this idea of random gifts throughout the year, not a planned, nee forced/expected hand me overs of either thoughtless gift cards (nothing says “I care about you” like an exact dollar amount of $25) or worse greeting cards. The greatest atrocity a human can do is hand me or mail me a greeting card for any occasion.
There was a movie I saw once a long, long time ago. I believe it was called RUNNING ON EMPTY with River Phoenix. In it, the less fortunate family had a rule – no gifts except things you either make or find. That was a brilliant idea, one that I would impose upon anyone ever considering a gift for me. You can’t buy me what I want. If there’s an item at a store, I’ll get it myself. No, a truly creative or thoughtful gift is one that cannot be bought, cannot be found at Walmart. Petty materialism being forced out of the holiday fare means caring to me.
I have to keep fighting. For my freedom, from the oppression of giant corporations and their corruption that interferes with my life and future. Back to the courthouse this week. The fight continues. I have written a mighty rebuttal, statutes included.
After I feel like I’m completely over this sick, I need to get back on track. Back to the gym, back to the shoots I wanted to do, back to the list of unfinished edits, back to everything that makes me who I am.
“Don’t you ever say I just walked away. I will always want you. I can’t live a lie, running for my life”
– Miley Cyrus