never confuse dissent with disloyalty

As miserable as I felt last night, I went and taught an editing seminar for the Westerville Public Library. Teaching a lot at the school, as well as years of editing classes I’ve taught meant I could sleep walk through this kind of thing. I didn’t, as I always get jazzed when I teach. It could wake me from a coma to teach about the things I love. I just wish I could put into practice the things I taught. I’m looking to stem the tide of depression from coming back. I’m talking to a few people about helping get some projects off and running again. I can’t do this by myself. I need help.

My ambitions have changed with film. They are bigger in some ways, and still micro budgeted in others. My standards are a lot higher. I don’t ever want to go back to the Little Rascals/Our Gang “Let’s Put on a Show” mentality, where your movies trade your budget for something that looks like it is just a faux imitation. In today’s world, with a little bit of effort, you can get the shots you want with the cameras and lenses. It just takes the aforementioned effort and time.

I’m not even thinking of a “legacy” or other such nonsense. I can only think about the stories I want to tell, that I NEED to tell. That’s all there is. My singular motivation remains telling a story. Whether it’s an instructional video, a documentary, a short film, or an interview – they are all just stories I want to get out into the world.

There are less honorable compulsions. All of which I fight daily to avoid indulging.

I have become quite disinterested in my own film community. I participated, anonymously, in the 48 Hour Film Project this year. As much as I enjoyed working with people I knew and didn’t know, I find the entire thing antithetical to my goals as a filmmaker. The two aspects that need the most time and care are writing and then editing. They happen to be the two things that get the least amount of time on these things.

I liked many of the movies made, but it seems so wasted in a competition. I like the movie I worked on too. I would have done it irregardless of this contest.