I don’t want to fight anyone anymore. I am trying so hard to have peace. I can ignore almost any insult from most. My ego destroyed, my sense of self worth diminished. Before that reads too depressing, I’m still somewhat positive. My spirit soars at the idea of hope, no matter how faint or far away. I’ve been searching my soul as deep and intense as I ever have in my life. What do I love? Why am I here?
The truth is I don’t know. I’m not saddened by this. I just need to keep looking for the answers. Sure, I love making movies and that fills 90% of my life, but the other 10% needs something else. What can that be for?
Here’s what I do know. I will not become this monster everyone thinks I already am. I won’t fight. That doesn’t mean I won’t defend myself, my home, or my family (me and 2 cats). I love my home. I have spent this whole year putting money, time, heart, and soul into this place I call New Rossdonia.
I keep trying to make peace, to end the feuds. It’s important to me to resolve problems. I’ve been wronged and I’ve hurt people. I’d rather try to end that needless suffering. Toiling away the time with anger and pain seems like such a waste. Why can’t this just end? I do not want to harm anyone. To think that my goal is to harm someone by trying to end animosity and resolve issues is irrational.
I’ve done everything I can. I’ve asked to talk. I’ve requested mediation. I’ve opened my doors literally and invited them in. I’ve said please and thank you, in public and private. If I knew sign language I could show my appreciation nonverbally. When do you quit trying to do the right thing?
That’s my conundrum. I can’t stop trying to do what I know in my heart is right. How can anyone feel that it is good to harbor anger or negativity? My soul yearns to put it to rest. I just want to talk and find the peace of understanding or at least try. How can that be wrong?
It takes two to tango. Or more if you’re embroiled in the jungle of animosity. Or a lot more if you’ve pissed off people like I have.
I’m following something akin to a spirit guide. This thing has lied to me, screwed me over, lead me into the dungeons, and pushed me over some cliffs, but I can’t NOT listen. I swear, my spirit guide HAS to be a woman, one I dated in high school.
This is the struggle. Every single day I am faced with the adversity. I overreact. I calm down. I try again to work things out again. I keep coming back to zero. I know that peace might be in the trying. At least it feels true and just.
Is this my knight’s quest? Maybe I am good for something more than just making movies…
“Perhaps this final act was meant to clinch a lifetime’s argument, that nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could, for all those born beneath an angry star, lest we forget how fragile we are”