Taking a short break from the big edit job, I finished another podcast episode that was looming. I’d been chipping away at this for weeks, a little bit each day. It’s still months behind schedule. I got it done and put it out today. I don’t have time to market it as I normally would. That takes time and time is not my friend right now. The Adobe After Effects animation was simple enough. Was feeling a tad better today. The gouts waning. The bleeding is increasing. I walked 1 mile tonight, just to keep from slipping too far. I got bit by 2 different type of bugs and I think I’m going to be violently ill. Some kind of insect that was all black, and like a bee (which I’m allergic to) and flying, but no stinger landed on my back and took a big bite.
As my body decays, I try to keep my head on straight. My soul tears itself apart. I’ve strayed from the path. Nothing is as clear as it once was. To say I’m having a crisis of faith is nothing short of an understatement. I’m blindly following this faint voice in my head that tells me to push forward even though I cannot see where I’m headed.
There is that voice yelling at me in the dark, the one that sounds like a drill sergeant, screaming the words “BE A BETTER MAN!” I endeavor to live up to my mantra. Every day I fail and I succeed. I don’t think I know anything anymore. I feel a little bit. I feel pain, I can still feel a little joy. Maybe it’s as simple as feeling it’s all diminished by not sharing this with someone, anyone. I both want to be alone and hate that feeling.
The trials I face today are so small compared to what I have dealt with in the distant past. Who I was, and more to the point [i]WHAT[/i] I was, feels so different to today.
I need to get back to work, both the paid work in front of me, and also to the work that I love. I need to say something about life and love. Or just tell a simple story for the sake of doing it.
“i’m not sure who’s fooling who here, as i’m watching your decay, we both know you could deflate a 7 hurricane, seems like you and your tribe decided you’d rewrite the law, segregate the mind from body and soul “
– Tori Amos