This is what I mean. My life has become a never ending succession of frustrations and disappointments. Tonight I got a TXT at 11:45 asking me if I wanted to come over. When a beautiful 24 year old girl sends this kind of TXT is usually means one thing. This is what most 40 year old guys hope and pray for. And in this case, it very much did mean exactly that. Not even 1:30AM and I’m already back home and sexed up. So why am I so pissed off? My penis seems content, so why can’t the rest of me get on board?
I don’t have the slightest comprehension what my possible appeal could be at the moment aside from the fact that there is absolutely zero chance of me being clingy or wanting a serious relationship. I’m the wrong person to ask what goes on in the mind of a 20 something attractive female.
All I do know is that I feel hollow and empty, and more than a little out of breath. Life as I get older keeps robbing me of all the vices that might serve as a temporary reprieve from the pain. I can’t drink because of gout. I can’t do cocaine because I can’t live with that kind of paranoia and lack of sleep. Heroine just makes your soul feel like it’s being ripped out through your nostrils. Smoking tastes like ash to me since I tried it again a few weeks ago. Now even random sex with a smoking hot young lady doesn’t even magically cure these blues.
The fantasy is to get unattached after a 10 year relationship and then indulge in the physical pleasures with no strings attached. This is supposed to be living the dream. So why in the hell am I thinking of someone else that I hate?
At this point I wish I could be more self destructive. The past decade is filled with regret, misplaced affection, and tainted memories. The immediate future seems to be filled with misery and a side order of frustration.
But I have to keep moving ahead. I have no idea what’s in front of me. That’s okay.