Spark

Even with percocets, I can’t sleep. Had a little medical procedure last night, so sitting is mildly uncomfortable and I need to take a day to recover. The doctors say I should be fine by tomorrow if not later tonight. I am greatly relieved to put this behind me. I feel like my body has terrorized me enough for the last year or so. I don’t have to ask the question “What now?” because I have so much to do. There are new episodes of FRAMELINES to shoot and edit, 32 more episodes of a webseries that need finished, 2 feature films, and a documentary. And I have 2 jobs.

Today should be about rest. There should be a massive movie marathon in the Rossdonia Memorial Theatre (aka my basement). Instead, I’m stressing. I’m expecting a most unwelcome visitor today. All I need while I’m recovering is a hurricane to come needlessly into my home. The anxiety of a person you really really don’t want to see invading your home while you’re ill = Not Fun.

I do think pets have an innate ability to know when you aren’t feeling well. Both of my cats lay with me and are very nurturing when I need it. I think it relates to smell, as if we put off a different scent when we’re ill. Anyone who thinks that humans project their own emotions on their pets in regards to feelings cannot account for the sick-nurturing aspect.

The drugs make it hard to concentrate on any one thing. Plus I’m sleepy. Really sleepy. I wish I could edit. I have so much to edit right now. It piled up, even though I’ve actually been editing regularly.

I was kind of expecting some kind of miraculous change in attitude when I woke up today. Nope. Still the same, except there is this numbing of the brain from narcotics. Writing this, I’m staring at the cursor blinking for 4-5 minutes at a time. I find the slow blinks to be very comforting.

“Why do we Crucify ourselves Every day I crucify myself Nothing I do is good enough for you Crucify myself Every day And my heart is sick of being in chains”
– Tori Amos