Most of the past year has been about curbing some bad habits. and reinforcing good ones. I keep my home a lot cleaner – I mean A LOT cleaner. Where I am wavering is in watcinhg movies more. I even got this amazing sofa specifically FOR watching movies, but I haven’t increased the viewing of the films. Argh! I go back and forth on editing. Some days I get the groove and I cut, at home, at work, on my laptop, but then there are still those days where I slip back into the malaise of not cutting. I NEED to maintain my productivity! I’m slipping. I can feel it. Anger building up for no real reason. A near constant distraction as my mind wanders towards all the things that frustrate me about some people. I am fighting this. I don’t want to stew in the bile. I want to marinate in positivity and get more work done.
I have a stack of work before me, some paid, mostly self created. I have never had anyone to help motivate me. What keeps me inspired? What drives a soul to create? All I want to do is stay on course, keep working and make things.
Time affects me. My poor health and the realizations of mortality affect my drive. Sometimes I just want to relax and not think or do much of anything. I want to appreciate little moments every day. Life exists in these cracks, which are more like crevices that make up most of our time. I
Last night, I found an incredible amount of pleasure in just bouncing a rubber ball against the wall for half an hour as both of my cats were fascinated by this. They took turns trying to capture the ball before it returned to me. V and Lorenzo each batted at the rubber globe and would return it to me after realizing it wasn’t alive.
THAT got me off the Internet for the rest of the night. There was nothing online that could have possibly compared to this simple and real moment in time. Surfing aimlessly for hours at a time replaced channel surfing and watching pointless TV as most people do it. I got much better at curbing this impulse, but I keep slipping back into that.
I have to stay the course, learn to stop looking at the same sites over and over expecting some kind of miraculously entertaining story or video to show up and DO something, anything. With the home repairs slowing down, at least there is this cool vibe to laying about and lowering stress. I want to drink in the nothing and not be bored.
Probably the single biggest change in my world would be spending more time with no noise at all. I read without music or sit and look out the window with no TV or MP3’s for long periods. I just reflect a little on my life and what it means. I have absolutely no answers, but I feel better when I do.
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