I have some big decisions to make soon. Each directions is fraught with peril, upsides and downsides, but always with risk. Neither option has an immediate change; both will take a year or two to come to fruition after long periods of work. Contrary to some, I am a very patient man. I just have to choose the road and stay on it for a long while. 
I keep punishing myself for having certain knowledge. Between the DROP YOUR SHORTS, LOOK AT MY SHORTS, COWTOWN FILM SERIES, HORRORS OF WAR 10 city four walling, and other screenings, I have practical experience with projecting local films on movie theater screens over the last 12 years. I trick myself into volunteering to help others who don’t do their homework on this stuff.
My mind easily consumes information on pixels, codecs, lumens, resolution, light emissions, and yet I cannot comprehend the most basic needs of a woman. This is why I can never think I’m particularly smart. Big brain in one area and no cognitive in most others. Ross not genius.
Dinner with my dad tonight, job interview tomorrow, follow up with the court. Things are moving along. Yesterday someone said I was isolating myself from my friends and showed concern. The problem is, I have been isolated from my friends for years. Those fleeting moments of interaction had little to no significance, and I don’t feel like having superficial in my life right now.
I’ve had plenty of meaningless to last a life time. This is why the documentary on a holocaust survivor got the big bump in my world. I want to do things that matter. I need to tell this story. In January, this project will bump up a lot higher on the priority scale and get the attention long overdue.
I can’t stand this middle ground. Somewhere between happiness and sadness, excited and bored. It’s not really anything and that sucks in some ways worse than being up or down because it isn’t moving at all. Stuck between two possible futures, with a third option which is not having a future depending on how my body reacts to new medical treatments.
I can’t live my life, or not live my life, based on the possibility that I might die tomorrow. I’d never get anything done.
I feel like an empty glass that needs filled.
“Generals gathered in their masses just like witches at black masses. Evil minds that plot destruction, Sorcerers of death’s construction”
―Black Sabbath
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