Trying to maintain my focus has become much harder than I remember. When I work a lot, especially teaching, it drains all energy out of me. I feel as though I cannot make the commitment to watch TV a movie or read a book for very long. I spend hours trying to decide what to do, never dwelling much time on any one thing. It’s like a nightmare but I’m awake. This is one of the bad habits that has resurfaced and I need to control it. I need to direct my energies forward on something more productive. When I work on the homestead, I stay focused. Trying to divert this same energy towards a project mostly withers. I have a shoot again soon, and my hope is that the spark ignites my focus but you never know.
Everything that I have fought for, believed in, sacrificed, lost and believed that I am resides in the work that I am incapable of getting back to. At this moment however, I am not without hope. I have so much faith that I will pull through this.
An angel sits on my doorstep. Fate or karma or whatever is in the universe protects me from starvation, destitution, and sometimes even myself. I am so grateful for having a job through these times. I am thankful for so many friends and strangers that believe in me. I pay no heed to the haters or imbeciles anymore. People talk about me and I don’t care. Mayhap it be self involvement, or just putting a better focus on refining who and what I am to be. Time will tell.