Yeah, still not feeling great. Another toothache and now the flu don’t exactly help. People take from these blogs whatever they want. I have no real control over that and it’s not really anything I care to correct. Misunderstandings, assumptions, and preconceived notions conspire to create whatever image of me everyone will want to make. All I do is keep writing. This particularly fallow time mirrors one that preceded the darkest time of my life. I was truly suicidal and I went to someone and asked for help. I got laughed at then. I used that anger as motivation to want to live. Of course, it lead to a series of the worst decisions a human being could possibly make, but it was still a kick start.
Anger and bile did not make for a happier existence, just a need not to end said existence. I was in so many ways more miserable. I numbed my mind and body with the usual chemicals that most teenagers would use. I didn’t sleep well most of the time. I was truly self destructive, with poor grades and even less enthusiasm for treating people with any degree of respect. I hated the world and I wanted it to pay.
And yet it was me that paid for everything I did. I loved so deeply and lost everything I cared about. As much as I wanted to be numb, all I did was mask how much I felt. All this misery shaped everything about who and what I wanted to be.
This started my two decades of penance for 3 years of pure evil. I did things like help other people with no expectation of return. I let people edit in my home for hours or days. I put on screenings of other people’s movies and promoted the hell out of them. I helped on shoots, even when some people wouldn’t even say so much as a thank you. I started to become the person I wanted to be.
Cut to 20 years later and I am was faced with living with someone else’s depression. My ex had gotten scammed and had enormous financial problems. She was hardly a joy to be around. For close to 2 years, I put up with some insane mood swings, changing jobs like most people change pants. I wanted to be there for her the way no one had been there for me, and allegedly for her too. I wanted to stick it out. I made a commitment for life, even without the government sanctioned piece of paper – that wouldn’t have made a difference to me. I did stay. I tried my best to provide for her; I paid mortgage payments, car payments, and supported her attempts to try things in her career.
And now, a scant year or two later and I hit my need, for medical attention and some basic human compassion, and basically – “Nah, I’m not really depressed anymore, so see ya later.“; the irony being she’s abandoning me the way she always feared the world would do to her. Life will always be full of irony.
So here I am. I’m okay with not being with her, my depression is NOT her fault. I even accept that her choices are not something I can control. I do not need to seek any kind of “revenge”, as if that was something that would mean anything to me. I believe in karma and time. Sooner or later, I will be rewarded for my sacrifices, the same as I am paying for my mistakes. I accept that. This isn’t a religious belief per se, but definitely faith based. I don’t feel ‘pleasure’ from hurting other people. I have always beaten myself up trying to comprehend HOW I hurt someone. I’m not the judge or jury of life. I will never seek revenge because I know time will take care of everything.
Even me. I don’t think I am suicidal per se. I mean, I’m not exactly cutting on my skin or anything. I will concede that if someone put a gun in my face to rob me, I’d probably feel a great deal of hope that they pull the trigger. It’s like I could get out of the cowardice of killing oneself in that scenario. I’m not courageous enough or even depressed enough to want to off myself. I’m going through the motions of everyday life, squeezing meaning out of moments like pulp from an orange.
Teaching the other night produced some good vibes from me. I’ve had a few weeks off from class. I love to teach. It’s always something that wakes me up some. Trying to make a movie really lights up my mood and spirits. Talking about making this next feature is the first time I felt 100% alive again. I have to put my ego and preconceived notions aside and just get it done.
I don’t care how expressing my thoughts and feelings make me ‘look’ to others. This is who and what I am. As I’ve discovered over the last few years, there is very little value in those who read this like they are peering at car accident, and a great deal of meaning in the people who have reached out and offered to help or listen.